My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
