We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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