I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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