does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
