guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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