Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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