I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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