I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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