I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
