i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
