that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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