i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
