Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
