ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
