____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
