The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
