Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
