Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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