Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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