my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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