My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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