did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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