i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
