If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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