We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My dick has a subreddit
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
