I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
