I love black thongs
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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