3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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