I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You work out of a Hotel?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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