shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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