you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
