yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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