I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
