lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
