u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
