I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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