My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
