I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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