Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
"it" just moved
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
