She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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