I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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