What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
