when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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