Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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