I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
