wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So squirting runs in the family.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
