I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
