So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
