I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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