I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
