You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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