3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
