This girl is more easily done than said...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
