so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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