I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
