Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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