Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
